I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
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