see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
