Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
