Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
