i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
