i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
