I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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