I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
