Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
