I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
