nut hugger
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
