I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
