I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
