omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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