He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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