I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
