the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
