Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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