and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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