Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
