so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
