Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You can't special order awesome
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
