Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
