I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
