So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
