I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
