And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
