it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
