You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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