I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
