I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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