ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
