I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
