I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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