i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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