I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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