there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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