Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
