Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
