So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I have aggressive nipples.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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