Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Randomize
