I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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