I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Randomize
