oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
