My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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