All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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