I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
