i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
