You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
