I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
